The Crying Mother


The moment you realize you can no longer “protect” them. The moment it dawns on you that your child may not be like the average child. The one moment in your life where you can’t make reality go away and make the world sugar sweet for them anymore. For me, that time was today. It hurts, in my mind I feel like I’ve failed as a mother. In my mind, a child having a disorder like adhd is something I could have prevented. Maybe I didn’t eat enough healthy foods when pregnant, maybe I didn’t take my maternal tablets religiously everyday. I’m not sure where I went wrong all I know is I FEEL I WENT WRONG! This is not his fault, this is not anyone’s fault except my own but now my baby is the one who has to suffer for whatever mistake I made while raising him.

Agreeing to let the school assess my son was one of the hardest things I had to do. I didn’t want that on his file for the rest of his life especially IF I could curve his behavior for the better with nutrition and other stuff but let’s face it… If it was Autism or down syndrome it would be on his file, right? So how can I prevent it? Just because he is hyperactive doesn’t mean he is less smart than any other children in the classroom that is deemed “normal”. so why do I feel like I’ve just thrown my son under the bus by agreeing to this?? I got to keep my faith in God that this needs to be done, so they can better cater to his needs and I can be better educated.

I tried talking to friends and family about what’s happening with my son but come on… be real! We all have our own lives and our own problems, people can’t be bothered to hear me vent and cry about my frustrations as a mother dealing with a 7 year old boy. Believe me, I’m a good mom – My son is my world, there is no me without him but when I get frustrated and disappointment in things he does I feel like I’m the worst because I can’t reach him. I don’t know how to get through to him and show him what needs to be corrected so he can do better next time. It’s like I’ll talk to him but if he is put in the situation again a hour later he will react the same. Could it be that he is just hard of hearing or has he truly forgotten what I just said? Or better yet, did he tune me out the whole time?? He has a habit, when grown adults are talking to him seriously he will cover the side of his face and start smiling like he is dying to laugh and when you ask him “Whats so funny?”, his response is always…” Something is making me laugh but I don’t know what it is.” At first, I thought it was me, maybe the way I look or sound when I’m mad but he does it to everyone. You ask him why he made a specific choice and his answer is always “I don’t know”.

I just want to be able to reach him, teach him everything he needs to know to be successful in life but at times I feel like I’m dealing with a 4 year old instead of an almost 8 year old. He forgets the simplest things: brushing his teeth, closing his reptiles’ cages, house rules, putting away his Lego and cars. If I don’t check his bag everyday he will leave parts of his homework in there. My son is so intelligent, he is a brilliant 7 year old so I know I must have done something correctly. He understands things that I would never expect him to understand but it’s like he switches on and off. At school, the child they describe to me is a stranger to me. At home, I just always chalked things up to he’s just hard of hearing or forgetful but otherwise he is a great kid, I don’t have any real problems. IF you took school out of lives… We would have no issues but that’s not possible… is it???

I had turned to friends and family and spoke about sending him to a private school… of course I cant afford it but I was willing to accept donations or try to earn the money someway – all I got back was negativity.
Then I said okay, I will homeschool him – I got back negativity.

The sad thing about this is that no one understands the pain I’m going through because they don’t have a child like mine. I feel alone.  Your friends and family will tell you they are there for you but when push comes to shove, they run off the phone if they hear you drop a tear. It’s not fair, it’s not fair to parents and it’s not fair to kids that have special needs because let’s be honest, the school system does not cater to these children.

They want you to medicate your child if they are different. They don’t help make the family life any easier, they just make it worse. Why can’t the schools acknowledge that some kids do better one on one or in a smaller class setting and cater to those kids? Don’t sweep them under the carpet by pushing them into a behavioral classroom where they barely learn. That’s not helping my child, it’s causing more damage! Now I know that’s what private schools are for but lets be honest…. I’m a regular, one income household and I can’t afford to put my son in private school even though according to the public school system that is where he needs to be.

I would love to homeschool but I’m not a teacher… Can I really make sure my son would be on the same standards as a regular child in his grade would be? Then there is the income aspect… How will I be able to financially support the family?  So many questions and not enough answers. All I know is right now I sit here being The Crying Mother.

Thank you for listening….